Bab's Blog

It's just me, in words.

The Warrior is a Child October 23, 2011

Filed under: Diabetes,Faith — babscampbell @ 4:32 pm
Tags: , , , , , , ,

My DH and I had a wonderful lunch today and I started griping about all my latest symptoms.  There’s this, that and the other thing wrong now. . blah, blah, blah.  I realized what I was doing and apologized for being “Negative Nancy” and of course, he thinks I’m silly. . . I should talk to him about these things.

Another thing that we discussed is the fact that so many people are so proud of me, speaking of my courage, strength, determination.  There are days. . I’m afraid. . if you were able to see me, you’d be quite disappointed.  I’m really not all that brave at all.  In fact, I’m really a big baby.  I battle fatigue, pain, medication, self-image and feeling mutilated, high BGs, low BGs, the guilt that comes with any out of range BG.  With all my restrictions I feel like an invalid. . or more correctly. . invalid.  I see a needle coming my way and I just wish my Mom would hold on to me and help me count to 10 until it’s all over.  And, as you can imagine, there are ALOT of needles in my life right now.

You wouldn’t think that someone with diabetes and cancer would be so freaked out.  I always imagined that people in those circumstances, somehow “get used to it” and stop fearing the needles.  You would laugh if you saw how long it takes me to push the plunger when I insert my CGM sensor.  I hold my breath, wince and count to 10 when pushing the button on my infusion set applicator.  If I have to actually inject insulin. . oh my. . It takes me forever to finally jab that teeny little needle in my belly.  Then there are the IVs, chemo port needles, tissue expander port needles, blood draws, antibiotics, anesthesia. . . oh my. . my world has been one moment of stress after another!

In talking about all this, I was reminded of a song I used to sing at church.  Twila Paris recorded a song called, the Warrior is a Child.

Lately I’ve been winning battles left and right
But even winners can get wounded in the fight
People say that I’m amazing
Strong beyond my years
But they don’t see inside of me
I’m hiding all the tears

They don’t know that I go running home when I fall down
They don’t know who picks me up when no one is around
I drop my sword and cry for just a while
‘Cause deep inside this armor
The warrior is a child

Unafraid because His armor is the best
But even soldiers need a quiet place to rest
People say that I’m amazing
Never face retreat
But they don’t see the enemies
That lay me at His feet

They don’t know that I go running home when I fall down
They don’t know who picks me up when no one is around
I drop my sword and and cry for just a while
‘Cause deep inside this armor
the warrior is a child

They don’t know that I go running home when I fall down
They don’t know who picks me up when no one is around
I drop my sword and look up for a smile
‘Cause deep inside this armor
Deep inside this armor
Deep inside this armor
The Warrior is a Child

God has been good to me.  Every day I can see yet another way He has helped me through another obstacle, face another fear.  When I’m tired and alone, I can crawl into my Heavenly Father’s lap and cry.  He catches each tear I cry. . He’s even counted them.  He lets me feel sorry for myself, lets me ask why me, lets me be angry and afraid.  Then, He gently lifts me from His lap and stands me on my feet again.  He helps be don my battle gear, gives me a cheer and points me toward the next fight.  We lock arms and face the next evil together.

I’ve always tried to be honest on this blog.  I’ve talked about the good, the bad and the ugly.  This is more of the ugly; I suppose.  I just hope that as this is Pinktober and next month is National Diabetes month, you’ll see those around you fighting for their lives and realize that they too, fall down, feel defeat, get worn out.  Don’t be disappointed when you see the other side of their courage. . the exhaustion and fear.  Remember, we’re not all that different. . .the Warrior is a Child.

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10 Responses to “The Warrior is a Child”

  1. Kim Says:

    I think the strength so many of us admire in you resides not in how many times you have fallen, but in how many times you have gotten back up.

  2. Amazing post Babs. I echo what Kim said. And also the fact that you can talk about the weaknesses and hard times. That in itself is another sign of strength. And you know how I feel about you knowing you need God’s help. That too shows you and your warrior child are stronger than we can see.

    • babscampbell Says:

      Hey Scott!
      It’s easy to write about the good days, harder to admit you’re struggling. But, if I’m going to be honest and help the next warrior along the way. . I need to. Thanks for your encouragement! I hope people see that there is a place to turn when we need. He’s ALWAYS there to carry us!

  3. Colleen Says:

    You know (well, yes, you do…) – the honesty in your posts is the most amazing part of you. I love the unicorns and the cupcakes but – you’ve been through so very, very much, and it is your honest writing that strikes me the most and usually makes me cry. You will probably never know how many people you’ve inspired and encouraged – and that’s a true blessing from you know WHO.
    I am so very lucky to have met you!

    • babscampbell Says:

      Thanks Colleen. I’m so lucky to have met you too and can’t wait until we meet again! (Soon I hope)
      With a blog, it’s hard to know who’s reading and actually being effected by your story. I hope, whoever they are, they walk away encouraged that there are others out there on a similar journey, who are human, but have someone bigger than all of us helping out.
      Love to you my friend!

  4. Lorena Stewart Says:

    Well, my warrior friend – Guess what? You’re human!! It’s quite OK to be tired, worn out, not feel good, etc. It’s OK to need a hug, to want a hand to hold and to need to cry. No one will think less of you. You’ve gone through quite a lot lately and you have every right to let your feelings out. You need to. It’s OK to grieve the losses and the changes – especially when your body and self image is involved! I’m sorry that you’ve had a rough time lately. The good news is – You have plenty of good days ahead. Embrace the down times and honor your feelings. You are loved by so many people. Thanks for all the good work you do – for diabetes education and cancer awareness. And thanks for reminding us that you have feelings, too. Even in the toughest of times, you have grace and beauty that shines through. Lots of love to you! xoxo

    • babscampbell Says:

      Schnitz!
      So long ago, that name began when we realized we had stress in common and we began supporting each other. You’ve always had my back and I thank you. Thank you for your encouraging message.

      I always picture “the journey” as a long dirt road. Some started out earlier and are further down the road than I am. Some will certainly be following. This blog is my way of calling back to them and saying, “hey, watch out for this hole in the road” or “I’ll wait here til you catch up and we’ll travel on together.” I’m glad to have you with me as we press forward!

      Love to you as well! xoxo

  5. Maria Q Says:

    Even after nearly 15 years, I hold my breath for injecting anything (my cgm or my infusion set). Needles are freaking scary regardless of their size and regardless of our level of experience with them. But you’ve survived. You’ve done it. Despite all the fears, you manage to overcome them and that’s really what people admire about you. It brings a whole different kind of beauty into play and you definitely have a very beautiful soul.

  6. Hi Babs,

    A total abscence of negativity, fear, sadness, anger, exhaustion, etc. would be COMPLETELY ABNORMAL and suggest that you perhaps should be evaluated by a psychiatrist in addition to all these other docs you have to see! So yes, I agree: we admire you because you face all this and still show gratitude, acknowledge God’s power, and have the courage to not let the negativity overwhelm you. You keep fighting. Like Kim said, anyone with health crises will fall down….the strength comes in getting back up.

    Which reminds me, do you know the song “We Fall Down”? It’s one of my favorite gospel songs, and something I take comfort in when I’m down. I love singing it with my church choir! If you’d like, I can send you an mp3. 🙂

    –Caroline


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