I wanted Jon to take a picture of the prayer shawl being used. My original intent was to talk about how fantastic it’s been to share my faith each time I ask to be covered with it. I’ve not had a single medical person know what a prayer shawl was and as soon as I told them it represented all the prayers being offered on my behalf. . and how I wanted to be covered with it; the conversation just continues and I’m able to share my faith, the love and support I’m receiving each day, and how I am never alone through any of this.
Then I saw the picture.
It’s not courageous like the women featured at the Scar Project. (AND, please be aware this site contains post-mastectomy female nudity) But it’s me, at my most vulnerable. . at the mercy of this tumor growing, spreading, making itself at home.
This is me. . scared out of my wits, because I know what it feels like to have needles thrust into my skin, into a tumor that refuses to accept the numbing effects of lidocaine, and I get to experience it AGAIN! The radiologist was supposed to place a marker on the tumor while he did the biopsy. They mark it so that if it should shrink during chemo, they know where it was supposed to be. Then they can surgically remove a clean margin around the marker and say they “got it all.” This didn’t happen on biopsy day, so today, I was back on the table waiting for the fun to begin.
However, this is also me. . covered in prayer, with hundreds of people lifting me before the Throne of Grace each and every day. This is me comforted in the knowledge that I know who holds tomorrow, because He was there holding my hand. This is me, feeling enveloped in the love of the man sitting across the room for as long as they’ll allow and then waiting in the next room, praying, wishing this wasn’t happening to me, waiting to hear that I was ok. This is me knowing that this few minutes of pain and anxiety gets me one step closer to beating this. I feel like I can’t yet call myself a breast cancer survivor, because I’m still fighting it. . so I am currently a BC Warrior. . stepping each moment, each day closer to getting that new title.